Relationships Are Work

Why You Should Read This Blog

My first article explained why I created a blog about relationships. This second entry describes why you should read it. Relationships, like any meaningful pursuit, require effort. This blog will explore the skills and tools needed to strengthen your relationship. But here’s the catch – using them requires effort. Think of it like using a hammer – you need the right tool and skills to do the job, but effort is still required. It’s the same in romance. Chemistry, the magic of relationships, only goes so far. Active involvement is necessary for long-term positive results.

Too many people expect happiness in relationships to happen naturally, but without effort, no tool will do its job. Work is essential for lasting love, and that is the foundation of this blog. I will dive deeper into the concept here, and in future articles, I’ll examine other essential relationship issues and how to navigate them. In short, you will learn how to do the work to better avoid relationship failure.

Don’t Be Afraid Of The Work

Work is not a four-letter word. Yes, it is, but not in the negative sense when it comes to relationships. All relationships require work – this is normal, healthy, and, in fact, essential. In the professional world, “work breeds work,” but in romance, work breeds happiness. So don’t fear it.

Relationship Work Is Not A Punishment

Working on a relationship is an ongoing endeavor. It lasts as long as the relationship does, but it should never feel like a life sentence. It is not a punishment. It is a labor of love that invites rewarding returns. It is the best form of self-employment because it offers great personal benefits. However, there is a secondary gain as well. It strengthens your relationship and rewards your partner as well – especially if your partner is a coworker. The effort may be challenging, but it’s worth it.

The Land Of Opportunity

People move to the U.S. because it is the land of opportunity. If you work hard, the sky is the limit – financial rewards will result, and your business will grow.

The same ideology applies to our relationships. If we invest effort into them, great things will happen, and our partnerships will blossom.

Do The Work Now – Start Early

Some believe that in a new relationship, it is too early to have to work because the relationship is too new and shouldn’t require effort. This is an ill-advised rationale. Without effort early, there may never be a “later.”

Don’t wait for problems to arise before working on your relationship. Treat your relationship prophylactically, just like you would treat a health issue early to avoid complications.

In pain management, doctors recommend staying ahead of pain. They don’t want you to wait until after it starts before beginning your medications. They don’t want you chasing the pain after it arrives and risk runaway pain that can never quite be soothed.

Preventative care is paramount in relationships. Starting early lays a strong foundation and prevents future issues. Many couples break up because they didn’t put in the effort early on and grow apart.

Create a relationship work zone. Whether you do the work privately or in a therapist’s office, do it before it becomes insurmountable. The earlier you start, the easier the work becomes. Over time, the heavy lifting will be behind you, and you’ll just have to manage the smaller everyday challenges.

If I Have To Work, I Should Move On

Some believe that if a relationship requires work, it’s not worth having. They think if they need to work, their partner isn’t right for them. “Relationships should be easy, right? If you have to work through issues, it’s just not meant to be. Move on…”

But here’s the reality – relationships aren’t always easy, and avoiding effort won’t make the problems disappear. Additionally, if you leave without doing the work, you run the risk of creating the same dysfunction in your next relationship because you experienced no personal growth in the previous partnership.

Work Means “We Are Doomed”

It’s common for one partner to resist relationship work, believing it is a sign that things are wrong. Sadly, problems become exacerbated because the partner resents their partner, not only for the presenting issues but also for having to labor to correct them.

I have seen this in countless couples therapy sessions. They feel that if they have to work, the relationship is doomed. However, this mindset needs to be revised. Work isn’t a signal of doom; it’s an opportunity to strengthen your bond. Resisting work can create anger, resentment, and disconnection. In fact, the refusal to work often causes the very issues that make the relationship fail.

Compounding Anger

When one partner resists the work, anger often compounds. First, there’s the frustration about relationship issues. Then, additional anger arises from the need to work on those issues. This double-layered frustration leads to recurring arguments, where the couple forgets what they’re fighting about – they just know they’re angry. This cycle can erode the relationship, making it harder to reconnect. It also magnifies the belief that love and loving someone should be effortless.

Resistance Is Futile

Some resisters choose to leave. Sadly, they end up in very similar relationships in the future because they carry the same resistant mentality into their next union.

Continuing to refuse work and shun the assistance of couples therapy, they inevitably create the very relationship they are trying to avoid. Their lack of a relationship work ethic invites the failure they fear. Ultimately, each relationship breaks down because they repeat this cycle of dysfunction. They don’t realize it, but their resistance is futile.

If You Don’t Leave, They Will

Resistant partners who stay but still resist the work will continue to generate relationship toxicity. Eventually, their partner will grow weary of the lack of effort and leave. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy: the resistant partner will blame the necessity for work for the breakup rather than recognizing that it was their refusal to put in the effort that led to the demise.

Some Are Not Resistant; They Just Don’t Know How To Work

Not everyone resists relationship work; some just don’t know how. Many people weren’t taught healthy communication and problem-solving skills in their formative years. Our parents were not always the best instructors; in fact, they may have modeled unhealthy behaviors. It’s not their fault. They, most likely, weren’t taught either.

Furthermore, K through 12 academia did not prioritize teaching Intimate Relationships 101. No manual was given to guide us into adulthood with healthy romance, so most of us were left to our own devices.

Consequently, we struggle to navigate challenges in our relationships because we’ve grown up without the necessary tools to create strong connections.

Grow Together Through Relationship Work

Relationships are not static. They are constantly evolving, especially if both partners are making effort. With simultaneous work, the couple grows together. If only one partner is working and changing, they grow apart. Work is a together thing. Growth must be mutual. You must do your part. A one-sided endeavor invites resentment and frustration, which triggers more arguments and leads to more work.

You Can’t Wing Relationships

Some people naturally bring communication skills, romance, and physical intimacy into a relationship. A fortunate few have positive mentors in their youth and bring honed abilities into intimate settings. However, too many people just “wing it” and hope everything will fall into place. Unfortunately, this approach rarely works. “Winging it” is not work and does not lead to success. Without the effort and the necessary tools, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Relationships require intention, effort, and skills. Like any other important endeavor, they thrive when you put in the time and energy to understand your partner and communicate effectively.

Your Partner Is Different From You

No two people are alike. Even soulmates, the epitome of romantic twinship, have different perspectives and needs. Conjoined twins, who share vital organs and are fused from birth, develop different interests and desires and yearn to make opposing choices. When divergent needs arise, compromise is necessary.

Compromise is another word for work. It is work to sacrifice what you want for the sake of another. Without that work, conflict arises. This does not mean your partner is not right for you. It just means you are different. Different is okay. If we are too similar, boredom might eventually usher in the end of a relationship well before conflict.

Opposites Attract

Being different can be attractive. Sometimes, it’s our differences that draw us to our partners. There’s a reason we say, “Opposites attract.”

However, though differences can be exciting, they can also create tension and invite challenges. Whether it’s opposing communication styles, ideas about romance, parenting styles, expectations about physical intimacy, or financial priorities, differences need to be addressed. Left unchecked, they can sabotage.

The key is embracing the differences, finding solutions, and compromising when necessary. Relationships thrive when both partners respect each other’s individuality and work together to balance differences.

Relationships are fun, exciting, and alluring, but to keep them that way, we must work on our differences and nurture growing together through work and collaboration. Otherwise, we will grow apart.

It Didn’t Feel Like Work In The Beginning

We are social creatures. For most, intimate relationships are necessary and vital to our human experience.

Starting a new relationship is exciting and rewarding, but consistent attention to it over time keeps it that way. In the beginning, everything is fresh, and the excitement can overshadow the effort a relationship takes.

Initially, the work is easy. In fact, it does not feel like work at all because everything is so intoxicating. Newness eclipses the sense that you are working. But you are. You just do not recognize it. You are attentive, generous, and curious when trying to secure a place in your partner’s heart.

After The Honeymoon Period

Over time, as the novelty wears off, the actual work of maintaining the relationship begins. This is where the honeymoon period ends, and real growth starts.

Eventually, reality sets in, and you stop idealizing your partner. You begin to realize that your perfect partner is not perfect. Perhaps a better way to put it is that you realize that your partner is not perfect for you. You notice flaws – not just flaws in your partner but in how you and your partner coexist. Cracks start to form. Arguments increase. Resentment begins to loom. This is when the concept of “relationships are work” truly kicks in. The honeymoon is over.

Transitioning

However, fear not. This is the healthiest thing that can happen. It means things are starting to get real, and real is good in relationships.

Being authentic and grounded does not have to mean being boring. On the contrary, it can usher in the most exciting phase of a relationship. Now, you and your partner see each other accurately for the first time and can nurture each other’s needs without forcing an idealized version of yourself. Yes, one should always strive to be ideal and the best partner possible. However, the authenticity that comes after a healthy transition from the honeymoon to reality bonds a couple in more profound ways.

Friendship, romance, and sexuality blossom, and the couple reaches levels of connection never possible during the honeymoon period.

Happiness Does Not Magically Occur

Here is the caveat. Inheriting this type of exciting relationship requires effort. It doesn’t happen through neglect. Happiness won’t magically occur. Your relationship will be as amazing as the work you put into it. If you’re willing, there is no limit to the rewards. The only limit is your own limitation. If you make an effort, you will be repaid. It is as simple as that.

Couples Therapy Can Help

If you’re struggling to make progress on your own, couples therapy can help. It’s designed to guide couples toward meaningful relationships where friendship, romance, and sexuality are fully realized. If you haven’t got the message so far, relationships are work. Why not learn how to work efficiently? That is the sole purpose of couples therapy.

It’s not a sign of failure – it’s a proactive step to improve your connection and work through challenges together.

You Do It Because You Love Someone

A final pitch. Work is work. It doesn’t sound sexy. But, it leads to sexy. And happiness. And peace of mind.

Remember, you are doing it for a very good cause and a very special person. You do it because you love someone, and they love you back. There is nothing better than that.

Approach it with an open mind and a sense of humor. The more you invest, the more fulfilling the relationship will become, as you will give your partnership an opportunity to learn, grow, and enjoy each other’s company in new ways.

Don’t let the work scare you. Roll up your sleeves and start.

Contact Me

If you still have questions after reading any of my articles or would like to dig deeper, please feel free to contact me for a consultation. I have helped many couples and individuals struggling with relationship issues learn how to work on relationships. I would be happy to help. You can contact me below or through the Contact Me section on my website, EdwardBowz.com. You can also call me at 818.304.5004.

Written by: Edward Bowz, LMFT